The Brie Awards. Mmm, Cheese

The Brit Awards present something of an easy target: I’ve gone off on unnecessary tangents about Hard-Fi before, for example, and really: is there any need for Katie Melua? Ever? Apart from to look at, I mean. Richard & Judy, those bastions of rock’n’roll integrity were this evening talking about the new breed of British guitar bands taking over proceedings. Well excuse me if I’d rather listen to the collective output of Sea Monkeys than Arctic Monkeys, but you Richard Parks of Fame Academy, um, fame, you are talking out of your rear end, again. I love you for it and all, but Franz Ferdinand just aren’t the new Sensational Alex Harvey Band, get over it.

So I’ll take a different tack instead of full-on rant about the worthlessness and inanity of the proceedings and award my own Brits, thanks very much. I feel I’ve earned that much, at the very least.

Best British Male Solo Artist
Brit Nominees: Anthony & The Johnsons; Ian Brown; James Blunt; Robbie Williams; Will Young
Again raising the question if Anthony Heggarty qualifies as British, and thoroughly bemused (amused?) by the inclusion of King Monkey Himself, I proffer:
Anthony & The Johnsons; Jamie Liddell; Keiran Hebden/Four Tet; The Fall (come on, that blatantly counts)
Winner: Anthony & The Johnsons. I guess not the most auspicious of starts when trying to pick an alternative Brits…

Best British Female Solo Artist
Brit Nominees: Charlotte Church; Kate Bush; Katie Melua; KT Tunstall; Natasha Bedingfield
A pretty sparse year (unless anyone can point out a glaring omission of mine) for the solo ladies of this country, so:
Solo Nominee and Winner: Natasha Bedingfield. Just because.

British Group
Brit Nominees: Coldplay; Franz Ferdinand; Gorillaz; Hard-Fi; Kaiser Chiefs
Bedwetters/not bad/passable/heinous/disposable – we can do better than this. Rock music is what this country does better than anyone else (along with being mean to the Germans, and not having our leaders shoot people in the face):
Sons & Daughters; Boards Of Canada; Hood; Magnétophone; Mogwai; Go! Team
Winner: Go! Team. Mogwai get a nomination just because they’re ace, but they didn’t actually release anything as such last year – it’s about time the Go! Team won something, they deserve it.

British Album
Brit Nominees: Coldplay – X & Y; Gorillaz – Demon Days; James Blunt – Back To Bedlam; Kaiser Chiefs – Employment; Kate Bush – Ariel
Generally, the thought of Jimmy Blunt being actually rewarded for his contribution to whiny girl pop makes me want to bite down on a kerb. He’s some sort of anti-pick of this bunch – Demon Days is a fair album, but Kate Bush can take her 12 year gestation and stick it back in the isolated farmhouse it no doubt came from.
Hood – Outside Closer; Four Tet – Everything Ecstatic; Gorillaz – Demon Days; The Fall – Fall Heads Roll; Jamie Liddell – Multiply
Winner: Four Tet – Everything Ecstatic. Keiran Hebden lives in Tufnell Park, you know, shops in the little Tescos on Camden Road. This is only one facet of his aceness: stand by for Chuck Norris-esque Four Tet facts, and “I’m In Four Tet!” t-shirts.

British Single
Brit Nominees: Coldplay – Speed Of Sound; James Blunt – You’re Beautiful; Shayne Ward – That’s My Goal (you are having a giraffe…); Sugababes – Push The Button; Tony Christie & Peter Kay – Is This The Way To Amarillo
Right about now is where I give up all hope.
Four Tet – Smile Around The Face. This’ll do, the single as an artform is dead anyway.

British Breakthrough Act
Brit Nominees: Arctic Monkeys; James Blunt; Kaiser Chiefs; KT Tunstall; Magic Numbers
Tedious/Inane/Infantile/Non-descript/Ditto.
Bloc Party; Guillemots; Infadels; Jamie Liddell; The Go! Team
Winner: Jamie Liddell. Well it’d just be rude to leave the man with nothing, plus he’s the finest act to break through this year, thusly matching quite nicely the award he’s nominated for. Funkenstein.

British Urban Act
Brit Nominees: Craig David; Kano; Dizzee Rascal; Lemar; Ms Dynamite
I have to admit a fair lack of knowledge of this field, but my brother lives near where Dizzee Rascal is from, he’ll do.
Nominee and Winner: Dizzee Rascal

British Rock Act
Brit Nominees: Franz Ferdinand; Hard-Fi; Kaiser Chiefs; Kasabian; Oasis
I have a bit more knowledge than for Urban, but British rock, for all Madeley’s talk, is one big joke. If I thought Hard-Fi were in with a shout, I’d gouge out my own ears; Kaiser Chiefs and their juvenile bubblegum just… no; Kasabian? Do me a quaver.
Franz Ferdinand; Golden Virgins; Sons & Daughters; Oceansize; Clearlake
Winner: whether Sons & Daughters really count as rock is debatable, but then the same applies to almost all the Brit nominees so tough. I’m not about to declare Mastodon as saviours of rock music. Fortunately, S&D purvey a fine line in Violent Femmes-y danceable rock’n’roll, all very Scotch as well – a beauty.


British Live Act
Brit Nominees: Coldplay; Kaiser Chiefs; Franz Ferdinand; KT Tunstall; Oasis
I don’t even see the point of having a big argument here: it’s between Mogwai and Go! Team, and…
Winner: Go! Team tip it – seeing them before their Mercury nomination at the Electric Ballroom was a revelation, they blew me away.


Pop Act
Brit Nominees: James Blunt; Katie Melua; Kelly Clarkson; Madonna; Westlife
Mostly because she’s more than likely in love with me:
Nominee & Winner: Natasha Bedingfield


International Male Solo Artist
Brit Nominees: Beck; Bruce Springsteen; Jack Johnson; John Legend; Kanye West
At last – British talent has not been as fruitful as you might hope this last year, most of the Great White Hopes turning out to be lame ducks. However, we’ve got some goodies to come. On a side note, can you imagine being up against the Boss? You’d have to have some serious self-belief to cope. Enough, say, to name yourself Legend…
Nick Cave; Caribou; Frank Black; Drowsy; Murcof
Winner: Caribou. Fighting off stiff competition from the Tallest Forehead In Rock and even my affectionate bias towards M. Black, Dan Snaith is a full-on genius.

International Female Solo Artist
Brit Nominees: Bjork; Kelly Clarkson; Madonna; Mariah Carey; Missy Elliott
Having pulled off one of the finest shows I’ve ever seen, there’s only one winner.
Winner: Kristin Hersh

International Group
Brit Nominees: Arcade Fire; Black Eyed Peas; Green day; U2; White Stripes
If Arcade Fire don’t win, I’ll personally kneecap all members of the Black Eyed Peas. Make that if they do win, as well.
Arcade Fire; Clue To Kalo; Low; Pixies; Sigur Ros
Winner: Sigur Ros - they finally made it big, and more power to 'em. Plus, they have a marching band.

International Album
Brit Nominees: Arcade Fire – Funeral; Green Day – American Idiot; Kanye West – Late Registration; Madonna – Confessions On A Dance Floor; U2 – How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
Here’s a category in which I can see a little sense – there’s at least 3 half-decent records. And yet, no.
Arcade Fire – Funeral; Caribou – The Milk Of Human Kindness; Clue To Kalo – One Way, It’s Every Way; Sigur Ros – Takk…; Low – The Great Destroyer
All these are just wonderful albums, making this the trickiest call yet, but it’ll have to be:
Winner: Low – what songs, what a sound, what harmonies, what a band.

International Breakthrough Act
Brit Nominees: Arcade Fire; Daniel Powter; Jack Johnson; John Legend; Pussycat Dolls
I imagine you can guess what my choice from the Brit categories would be: Pussycat Dolls.
Not really.
Arcade Fire; Caribou; The National; Clap Your Hands Say Yeah;
Winner: Arcade Fire – Caribou would be cheating a little, given it’s just a name change. The rest suck, to some extent.


Outstanding Contribution To Music
Brit Award: Paul Weller
Yeah right, the king of dad-rock? You have to be kidding. The worst punk band, one of the most heinous acts of the 80’s, ‘the Modfather’ that caused a retro revival, get out.
Winner: Mark E Smith. Or, as he should be, the Lord Sir Mark E Smith, King of Manchester.


So two each for the Go! Team, Four Tet and Natasha Bedingfield. Go have fun kids, you've earned it. Have an mp3: Jamie Liddell - When I Come Back Around